Well-meaning people think talking about this myth will make the couple feel better or give potential parents hope. On the list of what not to say to a couple experiencing fertility challenges, however, this phrase lies at the top. Most infertile couples don’t appreciate hearing it, says Dr. Anne Owen, a clinical psychologist in private practice in Lawrence, Kan.
“I find that’s enormously irritating to most infertile couples because it implies if they were less uptight they might conceive,” Owen said June 4, 2009, during a telephone interview. Owen says some couples perceive the phrase as an implication they’re to blame for their infertility. Infertility is a medical condition that won’t end simply because a couple decides to add to their family through adoption.
A Painful Myth about Infertility and Adoption
According to RESOLVE: The National Infertility Association, the myth that after an infertile couple adopts they will become pregnant is one of the most painful myths couples unable to conceive endure. First, it suggests adoption is only a means to an end rather than a happy and successful endeavor itself; second, it’s just not true. “Studies reveal that the rate for achieving pregnancy after adopting is the same as for those who do not adopt,” according to RESOLVE’s Web site.
Relaxation and Infertility
Embedded within the “adopt and get pregnant” myth lies another myth: Relaxation will lead to pregnancy. While there are many who believe this, RESOLVE disagrees. The association defines infertility as a disease or condition of the reproductive system. Its Web site states, “While relaxing may help you with your overall quality of life, the stress and deep emotions you feel are the result of infertility, not the cause of it.”
In her book, Biology of Women [Delmar Publishing, 2001], Ethel Sloane contends, “Pregnancy rates for infertile couples who adopt children are the same as for infertile couples who do not adopt children. A certain number of spontaneous pregnancies do occur in couples presumed sterile, but their association … with any other relaxing change in the environment is likely to be coincidental.”
Couples Who Subscribe to the Myth
Some couples wholeheartedly believe adoption will lead to fertility. Dr. Francois M. Mai touches on this issue in his article, “Conception After Adoption: An Open Question,” published in the November-December 1971 issue of Psychosomatic Medicine. “A number of infertile women state they intend to adopt in order that they might conceive,” Mai writes in his review of 30 years’ worth of literature about adoption and conception.
As to whether adoption will lead to a subsequent pregnancy, Mai doesn’t give a direct answer: “It is concluded that the relationship between adoption and conception is, to our present knowledge, an open question.”
Contraception after Infertility
On the other hand, some couples who’ve adopted after infertility later use contraception to lessen the chances they will conceive. These couples have happily chosen adoption as the sole means to complete their family. For some, parenting is more important than becoming pregnant and raising a biological child; others choose not to conceive after adoption in order to avoid potential conflicts that can arise in families with both biological children and children who were adopted.
Pursuing Adoption after Infertility
Talking about infertility can make people feel uncomfortable. Perhaps much of the reason for the myth’s popularity can be attributed to people with harmless intentions hoping to make their friends or loved ones feel better. Couples contemplating adoption after infertility should search their hearts for their true intentions and determine whether the myth has any influence on their decision.
Tricia Masenthin - Tricia Masenthin is a freelance journalist and blogger.
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